Who would have thought that two little letters like ‘un’ could have such power?
An innocuous little word, no, a prefix in fact but when
added to words to make uncomfortable, unknown, unfamiliar – it has the
power to make grown men cringe with fear.
Perhaps it’s magic. As Sigmund Freud said “Words were once considered
magic…do not despise the use of words” [specifically in psychotherapy
in his case].
Or maybe it’s not magic. Perhaps it’s something more visceral. The
founder of the field of General Semantics Alfred Korzybski would call a
bad physical-emotional reaction to a word or concept – a semantic reaction.
Do people really have bad reactions to words or concepts? I think you know you do (grin).
Just complete the sentence “Don’t talk to me about…?” or “I have a real problem with…x?”
Whatever the answer, especially if it makes you feel un-comfortable(!) – this is the thing with which you have a semantic reaction.
You literally cannot mention some subjects with some people. Ask
someone who has been really, really hurt and betrayed to talk about
‘love’ or ‘commitment’ or ‘trust’- and get out of the way of the flying
pans!
What people are reacting to are the meanings they have given to these concepts, these ideas. And concepts are built of meanings.
A concept is, essentially, a way for your mind to categorise and
recognise items in the world. Your mind creates a category description
such as ‘cat’ and then you build up a list of criteria by which you
recognise it.
Take the example of the concept of a ‘loved one’. How do you know they are who they are?
Because they respond to their name? That is not enough. Because they look like the person you love.
That’s not enough either because my wife gets confused with her sister all the time: it is the fine details
which makes the difference. It’s the exact pitches of their voice, the
exact creases around their eyes, the way they say your name.
And then there’s the more abstract concepts such as ‘success’. How do you define success? It’s an important question which most self-help books will ask you? Why?
Because someone else’s concept of success might not work for you.
What about Howard Hughes, who died with millions in the bank, hiding
in a filthy room with a chronic dirt phobia and fingernails so long they
were talons.
Or another multi-millionaire who said that he would exchange all the money he had for one happy marriage.
Were they successful by their own standards? I doubt it but perhaps they didn’t think of that until it was too late.
As Jesus said: “What does it profit a man to gain the world and yet lose his soul?”
What indeed?
So, back to words beginning with ‘un’?
How do you do when you realise that some feeling is (un)familiar or (un)certain?
What about when something is ‘unknown’? Is it? Really? Have you ever considered that things are very rarely 100% un-known?
After all, if we’re dealing with other human beings – are they
totally unfamiliar entities? Do you know nothing at-all about the other
person? Absolutely nothing about the situation? No idea at-all what to do.
If so, then you can say “‘yes’ it’s totally un-familiar.”
But the truth is, it’s actually more a case of how you process the
concept and you may be doing it using an ‘either-or’ linguistic formula:
Either it’s 100% familiar – or 100% not. And this creates polarities in
the brain where you think you have everything familiar, known or
certain – or nothing. Very stressful.
Basically, we tend to equate unfamiliar, and unknown with something
bad when in fact it’s simply just…not familiar…not known…not certain.
How, is that inherently bad? Did God decide that the ‘unknown’ was evil?
If so, surely He would have made us with omnipotent powers! No, lack
of knowing something is a very human, very natural and normal condition.
Not knowing is simply that,
a circumstance or a state of ‘not-yet-knowing’. It’s the meanings you
give to that not-knowing that count. And that comes back to your
concepts.
You need to start finding the familiar in the un-familiar and the
known in the supposed unknown. For instance, if you were to say “I don’t
know how to finish” – well, maybe not this project. But have finished
before? Have you finished anything before? Of course you have. So how
did you know you were finished then? Can you use anything you learned
there, here?
Secondly, what is your concept of ‘unknown’ etc?
List out the meanings you use: What does ‘unknown’ mean to you? If
you find it means ‘fear ‘then consider if that is the most useful
definition!
What if, instead, every time you felt one of your ‘uns’ you mind went “AWOOOOOGAHHHH! Oh joy! Learning on its way!!!”
What if you got REALLY curious about the unknown? What if you got excited? What if you couldn’t wait to find out what there is to know?
How would that affect your life for the better?
Your concepts or definitions of the world make a HUGE difference to
how you live your life. Mostly, we go around unaware of how we have
defined our world and ‘right in our own eyes’.
Yet there are 7 billion people on the planet and we are all ‘right’ – to ourselves.
One of the definitions of wisdom in the Bible is the ability to make
distinctions between good and bad, and what works and doesn’t work.
You need to be able to check how well your ‘map’ of the world, the criteria you use to deicide what to do NEXT works for you.
You need to be able to examine your own thoughts and understand that
they are only a mental ‘map’, a symbolic re-presentation of the world
around you. And a map is only as good as it is an accurate
re-presentation of the ground it stands for.
A map…can be redrawn. And concepts can be re-conceptualised. It’s just a question of believing they can…and knowing how.
Robert Dilts, in Sleight of Mouth says: “A core belief of NLP is that
if you can enrich or widen your map you will perceive more choices
available to you give the same reality. As a result you will perform
more effectively and wisely no matter what you are doing.”
Your concepts are a KEY part of your reality. Once you change your concepts – you can and will change your life.
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