“I see dead people.”
Do you remember the film that came from? It was the The Sixth Sense and the little boy was Haley Joel Osment.
There is a good chance that you see them too. Really. They may not have zombie faces or hide under the bed in the shadows but I guarantee – you do see them.
And possibly all the time.
What do I mean?
Well, first I don’t mean that you see ghosts or spirits. I’m talking real people who you have known.
Kooky?
Only for a minute. Read on.
Have you ever wondered how you determine the quality and importance
of the relationships you have with people in your life? (I just ‘know’
is not good enough here.)
How do you know?
- Who is important in your life?
- Who is not?
- Who you are close to?
- Who you are not?
- Who you fear?
- Whom you feel powerful around?
How do you know? Why is it important to learn how you know?
Generally, when life is sweet and you get on with everyone, it doesn’t really matter.
But…it becomes important when a relationship with another person
is significantly affecting you or affecting them – and you need to know
how to change the dynamic between you so you can feel and relate to
them differently.
It becomes even more important if that person is no longer alive.
Then you are seeing dead people. And it’s a problem.
Do you know anyone who is still controlled by the memory of
an overbearing deceased parent, or who responds badly to certain members
of people groups because of an experience they had in the past?
I know someone whose parent (now deceased) tried to crush any spirit
of independence out of them because of the parent’s inability to cope
with ideas different than their own.
However, for years after the parent died the person
continued to relate to people in their life in terms of the way the
parent had treated them. It took years of counselling and cognitive
change work to update their references for how more ‘normal’ people
related to each other.
So what is going on?
Each and every one of us carries everyone we know around us in what
Lucas Derks calls our ‘social panorama’. This is a psychological type of
personal space, created from inside our head, but projected around us
like holograms that are invisible to everyone except us.
Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself.
So, imagine for a minute that all the people who you have ever
come into contact with (and your concepts of those you haven’t) are
stored in a psychological landscape around you (your psycho-scape).
They are in front of you, behind you, to the left and to the right, far
away, near, floating above you, and standing as tiny figures below you.
Yes, I know this sounds a bit weird but it gets weirder because it is
true!
Ask yourself: Where is my mother in relation to me? Point to her. Even if you can’t ‘see’ her in your mind’s eye, point to her.
Now your father.
Now any brothers and sisters.
Now your best friends.
Notice how near or far they are from you, Is there anyone you are
currently feeling ‘distant from’? Chances are they are located
physically further away from you than someone you feel ‘close to’
(Isn’t it fascinating that our words reflect our internal experience?)
The people you know (whether dead or alive) exist as living
memories in your head. And when you change how you re-represent the
memories to yourself, you change the quality and meaning of the
relationships you have with them in your head.
Yes, you can stop that person who bullied you at school from still affecting your confidence in speaking up.
You can forget that ex-boyfriend or girlfriend more easily.
You can change your relationship with authority figures.
So you want to know how?
The basics are very easy. Pick someone whom you don’t feel like you have an equal relationship with. Or you feel intimidated by.
1. Ask yourself “Where about’s is this person in relation to me?”
Either close your eyes, or just point to where you sense they are.
How big are they in relation to you? It doesn’t matter if they are
actually taller than you, just identify if they are taller in your head.
How close or far away?
Are they facing you?
2. If they are facing you, use your imagination to turn them away. If
they are too close to you, move then away – try 50 feet for starters.
3. If they are bigger than you, shrink them down. Try the same height
as you to start with, and then make them really, really small. And
adjust as necessary.
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