Why are some couples happier than others? What is the “secret” for a
great relationship? With certain couples it is clear there is something
about the way they interact that makes it obvious they have a unique and
genuine connection.
Even if you’re in a good relationship, you can’t help but wonder: What do they know that I don’t?
And if you’re single, you might look at these couples and attribute it
all to chemistry or destiny. But it turns out that people in great
relationships live by a few basic rules and they make these rules a
priority in their day-to-day lives together. Consider these habits that
can help you create a strong, nurturing relationship.
- Great relationships are based on realistic expectations
- Great relationships take work and thoughtfulness every day
- Great relationships need communication know-how
- Great relationships turn negatives into positives
Great relationships are based on realistic expectations
Forget what you see in the movies or on television. In other words,
real relationships aren’t anything like what you see in the movies full
of non-stop romance, candlelight dinners and whirlwind trips to exotic
locations.
Real relationships take effort, time and commitment. Great relationships just don’t happen because two people love each very much, great relationships happen because not only do two people love each other very much, they also value one another and are willing to make an investment of time into the relationship – day after day.
Real relationships take effort, time and commitment. Great relationships just don’t happen because two people love each very much, great relationships happen because not only do two people love each other very much, they also value one another and are willing to make an investment of time into the relationship – day after day.
Couples in healthy and positive relationships have a fundamental
understanding of the proper and appropriate expectations for a stable
and long-lasting relationship. They understand that not all days will be
full or passion and romance. Similarly, they understand that rough
spots in a relationship may only be temporary if good communication is
present to work through these times.
A good way to look at this is to consider not getting too excited
with the very high “highs” or too concerned with the very low “lows.”
Both are momentary at best, and will not define the true nature and
scope of the relationship over a long period of time. By reframing these
extremes, you will be left with the right measure of balance and the
right set of expectations to build a quality and sustainable
relationship for many years to come.
Great relationships take work and thoughtfulness every day
People who are in successful relationships work on these partnerships
regularly. They don’t just set their life on cruise control expecting
things to be great all of the time. Ask yourself, “What can I do today
to make my partner’s life better?” Little bits of effort every day will
accumulate over time and make a big difference.
Think of small, specific ways to make your relationship better
whether it’s picking up your loved one’s dry cleaning, telling your
partner that you’re proud of him or her, or taking over a task he or she
really doesn’t like to do.
You should make an effort every day to deposit at least one act of
thoughtfulness into your relationship’s bank account. Your goal,
however, should not be to make a huge withdrawal at the end of the week.
Your only goal should be to keep giving the things your mate wants –
either his or her expressed and unexpressed wants. If there are actions
you can take to make your partner’s day more convenient and less
stressful, then do them. But, again, don’t do them for what you could
gain by providing them.
Great relationships need communication know-how
It may look as if people in great relationships intuitively know what
their partners need. But the truth is, no one is a mind-reader so don’t
expect your partner to be able to figure out how you’re feeling.
When things aren’t perfectly in sync, couples in this kind of
relationship know how to communicate. They know that instead of giving
their partner a laundry list of what he or she is doing wrong, they can
be specific about what it is that they want. They also make an effort to
discover what their partner’s needs are. The best way for most people
to do this is talk about it.
Ask your partner what things are really important to him or her. Does
he want to know you’re proud of him? Does she need to be able to
express her sadness over a family or work-related situation without
hearing how she ought to handle it?
Too often we get into the habit of coaching and not listening. The
best way to let your partner know you are listening is to ask how she or
he “feels” about the situation. Once they begin sharing, your job is
simply to shut-up and listen. Offer acknowledgments and affirmations
from time-to-time to demonstrate you are engaged with what is being
said. Only give your opinion or advice if asked.
Great relationships turn negatives into positives
You may have heard the expression: “When you are given lemons – make
lemonade.” Overtime, relationships are handed several lemons. The
sources for negative feelings and unbalance are numerous. Some are
directly caused between both people because of poor or missing
communication. Indirect sources of anxiety in a relationship can be
work- related or financially based.
When the interpersonal aspect of the relationship is creating the
negativity, consider this simple exercise. First, you and your partner
must be open to honest feedback. Next, ask your partner this question:
“On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate our relationship (keep in
mind the word “relationship” can be substituted for intimacy; support of
one another, etc.).
Allow your partner time to reflect and provide an honest reply. If
the answer is “Seven,” ask this follow-up question: “What are three
things I can do to get our relationship to a ten (if the answer is
“six,” you would ask for four things, etc.)? Again, give your partner
time to consider their response. It may be hard to listen, because the
answers may sound critical and negative. But really, the answers are
solutions to turn the negatives into positives.
There is one more critical part of this exercise. After your partner
is finished and you have taken in and acknowledged the areas for
improvement, ask this question: “What are three (or whatever the number
needs to be) things you can do to get our relationship to a ten?”
By asking this follow-up question, it’s putting the relationship back
on equal footing and back into the spirit of a true partnership. Except
for certain extreme and unfortunate examples, most relationships are
successful, or not successful, because of the contributions and efforts
of both. Take an honest look at how you are contributing to any negative
circumstances, but also be aware it does take two to make it work and
to create a more positive and healthy relationship.
When lemons drop from the trees, but you and your partner were
expecting apples, begin to make lemonade by creating an action list of
what you both can do to get apples next time.
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