You can get pretty far in life without being smart. Just look at
George W. Bush. You won’t, however, get anywhere worthwhile possessing
poor social skills.
One reason is that social skills can’t be outsourced (although I
would like to see Tim Ferriss try). So unless you plan to live on a
desert island for the rest of your life, you need to learn how to deal
with other people. Otherwise social awkwardness, difficulty meeting
people and being unable to communicate your ideas will hurt no matter
who you are.
On the reverse side, having great social skills can be helpful in
almost any situation. If you can easily make friends, share your
thoughts and empathize, these abilities can make you better at almost
anything else you do. Lack willpower to go to the gym? Having a
dedicated gym partner can help. Not sure how to start a business?
Talking to a mentor can give you ideas. Want to learn faster? Finding
the right teachers is essential.
Your Social Skills Aren’t Set in Stone
Genetics definitely plays a role in determining how outgoing,
attractive or charismatic you can be. If social skills aren’t your
strengths, it can be easy to assume that your genes destined you to
introversion. But social skills, like reading and writing, can be
trained. If you weren’t born able to read, why do you expect any other
skill to develop automatically?
Several years ago, if you had told me social skills was all in your
genes, I probably would have believed you. I had few close friends,
difficulty sharing my ideas and spent most of my time in isolation.
Things could have been worse, but my social life was near bankruptcy.
Finally, I got fed up of the way things were and made efforts to change them. I joined Toastmasters to work on public speaking, I started writing every day and I put myself in new places to meet new people. No improvement took place immediately, but after a few years of work, my old life is barely recognizable.
Finally, I got fed up of the way things were and made efforts to change them. I joined Toastmasters to work on public speaking, I started writing every day and I put myself in new places to meet new people. No improvement took place immediately, but after a few years of work, my old life is barely recognizable.
Today I have dozens of close friends I can count on and hundreds of
friends in every area of my life. I spent the first day back at
University knocking on doors to introduce myself–something that would
have been too terrifying to consider only a few years earlier.
Being Smart isn’t a Handicap
A lot of otherwise smart people have poor social skills. And some
incredibly dumb people can be popular and friendly. Given this, some
smart people assume that their intelligence gives them no advantage with
social skills. They might even start treating it as a handicap, that
others’ jealousy is holding them back.
Once again, this is nonsense. Raw brainpower won’t make you friends
any more than it will help you bench press 300 lbs. However, if you want
to improve your social skills, there is no better asset then your
brain. Being able to think and solve problems is crucial for taking your
communication skills from awkward to charismatic.
How to Improve
Going through my own experiences with building communication skills, I believe success has two parts:
- Surrounding yourself with new opportunities.
- Putting in the effort to practice.
One of the big reasons people fail to improve social skills, I
believe, is because they trap themselves within a social network. If you
keep seeing the same people, having the same conversations and
repeating the same habits, you can’t improve. Unfortunately, there isn’t
an obvious “social gym” where you can build your communication muscles,
so most people stay home.
Find Fertile Ground
The first step to improving your social skills is to break away from
the familiar. Talking with one of your current friends won’t give you an
opportunity to boost your social skills. Unfortunately, if your social
skills are weak, meeting new people can be difficult to do. This is
where you need to use your brain to come up with alternatives:
Join Groups. Small clubs and classes with group
participation are a great opportunity to meet people. Since the setting
encourages friendliness, you don’t need to be extroverted to meet new
people.
Get Introductions. Leverage your current social
circle to meet new people. If your friends are going to be attending an
event where they could introduce you, ask to tag along.
Make “Easy” Cold Calls. Walking up and saying, “Hi,”
is harder than sending an e-mail. Use e-mail as a way to contact people
who you might like to meet in person.
Practice Relentlessly
It’s no secret that practice makes perfect. But how do you practice
your social skills. You might be meeting people right now, but that
doesn’t mean you are on the fast-track to being charismatic and
extroverted. Once again, using your smarts to solve this problem is
crucial.
The key is to put yourself in a setting which trains you harder than
your regular social interactions. If you went to the gym and lifted 5
lb. dumbbells, you probably wouldn’t win a bodybuilding contest. Only by
lifting more weight than you do on a regular basis can you expect
growth. The same rule applies with social skills, so it is important to
find your “gym” where you can test harder interactions.
Here are a few “gyms” where you can practice social skills beyond what you might be used to:
Toastmasters. I’ve been a member of Toastmasters for
several years, and this is one of the best ways to build communication
skills. There are some things Toastmasters can’t teach you, but it can
give an excellent base for the fundamentals.
Clubs and Bars. Thought going out was just for
time-wasting drunks? Think again. Few places give you a chance to test
your social skills more than places like these.
Volunteer Positions. Join a volunteer organization
where there is a lot of group interactions. Volunteer positions can
force you outside your comfort zone, without requiring that you leave
your day job.
Sales. Communicating is selling yourself. Working in
positions which force you to use sales and marketing skills will help
improve your social skills. Try volunteering for a charity drive if you
want to get practice without switching careers.
Competition
This week we have 15 copies of A Complaint Free World
by Will Bowen to give away. From Amazon: “Bowen is a minister with a
very simple message: quit complaining. If you do, you’ll be happier and
healthier.”
I (Peter) haven’t had a chance to read this book yet, but it looks
very interesting and the Amazon reviews are all positive (it seems
readers have no reason to complain about it). To be in the running, just leave a comment on any of the articles we publish this week. We will let you know the winners next Monday.
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