Every generation has had it’s own big world events and challenges,
and of course, that’s what’s shaped the values, personality
characteristics and lifestyle choices of each generation. One of the big
events of our generation has been the birth and growth of the internet –
an event that’s brought both challenges and opportunities for all of
us. In an increasingly interconnected world where we have access to
information about people and lifestyles all over the world, we all have
more opportunities than ever before. So many of the barriers to entry
that existed before, making life and leadership difficult, have been
dissolved by the internet. It’s easier than ever before to find
like-minded people all over the world, it’s cheaper than ever before to
start a business and serve people all over the world, it’s easier and
cheaper than ever before to educate yourself about anything you’d like
to learn about, it’s easier than ever before to find out your rights,
comparative prices on the stuff you’d like to buy, and the choices
available to you, and it’s easier than ever before to create automated
systems to provide the scaffolding that can help your life to run
smoothly.
And while this sounds like a great thing, it’s also presented us with
more potential for unhappiness and regret than ever before. I’m seeing
it in my clients, my friends and family, and I’ve spotted it in myself
too. Because we’re so much more aware of the infinite possibilities for
places to live, things to see and do, different kinds of work to engage
in, different ways to make money… we’ve gotten into the habit of
wondering all the time if there’s something more, better, or even just
different that we’re missing out on. When we achieve our goals, we’re
always moving swiftly onto the next thing we’re striving for, or
wondering if we’re investing in the right lifestyle and work experiences
– perhaps the grass is greener on the other side?
How choices affect happiness
This isn’t just my observation. Research into happiness has shown
that increased choices often leads to increased dissatisfaction. When
participants were given the opportunity to choose their favorite
painting, poster or photo in a variety of different studies, the
participants who were told that they could change their decisions were
less satisfied with the choice they had made than the participants who
were told that they had to stick with their choice once it was made.
According to Dan Gilbert, when we believe we’re stuck with our choice,
we’re able to synthesize our happiness and, in essence, we decide to
love what we have.
I’m not proposing we should limit our choices! As a life coach, I’m
obviously all for helping people to identify opportunities and see more
options available to them for changing their lives, and one of my
greatest personal motivations for traveling the world as a location
independent professional is to access a greater variety of different
life experiences. I love that the internet has made it possible for me
to do the work I love while moving around the world, and I especially
love that the internet makes it so easy for me to learn and to connect
with like-minded people all around the world. Most of all, I love living
in a world where there are so many opportunities available to me. What
I’m suggesting is that we can learn to have the diverse choices and
opportunities available to us AND feel happy with what we have right
now.
How to be happy with the life you have, in an abundant world:
Realise that happiness is just a feeling and you can have all the feelings you want right now, without changing your life.
Most people think that our happiness is caused or limited by the
circumstances around us. Sure our circumstances are triggers for
happiness or unhappiness, but you always have the choice about how you
feel in response to what’s going on around you. Nazi death camp
survivor, Viktor Frankl, said, “The one thing you can’t take away
from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of
one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.”
Circumstances and material things don’t make you happy – your thoughts
about those things are what makes you happy. You have full control over
your thoughts, so you can be happy anywhere. Realise that changing where
you live, what stuff you have, what work you do or who you sleep with
will never make you happy. It’s always your thoughts and the stories you
tell yourself about your life that will do that for you.
Stop comparing yourself to others.
Admit it… you’ve probably paged through your friend’s photos on
Facebook and compared your lifestyle to their’s. Nevermind facebook, it
happens all the time… you ask each other about your work and you’re
comparing your work success, you ask each other about your relationships
and you’re comparing your choices and level of success with
relationships. You go for dinner at each other’s houses and you compare
your homes and lifestyles. You attend school events and you compare your
child’s progress to the other children. These kinds of comparisons are a
great strategy for becoming unhappy with you own life, even when you’re
life is going pretty well. There will always be other people who have
something different or better to what you have going on in your life, so
you’ll never be happy with your own life if you’re comparing yourself
to other people. Speaking of comparison, there are some people who don’t
just compare, but actively compete, doing their best to look better
than other people and to try to prove that their lifestyle choices are
better than your’s. Avoid getting into those sorts of games – it only
pushes other people away because they feel lousy around you, and it’ll
leave you feeling empty even when you “win.”
Practice gratitude.
Gratitude isn’t just a feeling, it’s a practice. When you’re feeling
grateful, it’s because you’re noticing what you have in your life that
you love, and that makes you feel loved. Most of us think that
gratitude, happiness, peace and all the other wonderful things we want
to feel just happen to us, but that’s not the case. Our feelings are
always a result of our thoughts. You can get into the practice of
creating gratitude by asking yourself questions that focus your
awareness on what you love in your life. So ask yourself, “What do I
love about my life? What am I looking forward to tomorrow? What went
well for me today? What makes me feel very loved?” When you contemplate
these questions and answer them honestly, you’ll experience authentic
gratitude.
When you feel dissatisfied, ask yourself, “what do I value or need?”
I’m not proposing that we all go and sit in the corner and change our
thoughts so that we feel gratitude all the time, and stop participating
in life itself. We’re meant to actively design and sculpt our lives –
it’s a process that itself brings great joy. But rather than darting
around in different directions according to the latest and greatest new
big thing that everyone else is spotting as an opportunity, you can make
sure that the grass is always greener on your side by always staying
clear on what’s important to you and what you honestly need, and moving
towards that. So when you feel dissatisfied with an aspect of your life,
ask yourself, “What’s important to me? What do I need? How do I already
have that in my life in places where I haven’t been noticing? And how
can I bring more of that into my life now?”
Be willing to ask for what you need and value now.
Often when I’m working with someone around improving or changing a
relationship or a work situation that they’re dissatisfied with, as they
get clearer on what they value and need, they realise that one of the
reasons why they’ve not had that thing they value or need in their life
is because they haven’t shared their needs and values with other people.
When you don’t share your needs and values, it’s difficult for other
people to help you satisfy your needs and values. Personal and work
relationships and roles are all negotiations. When you express your
needs and values clearly, other people will often help you to get what
you want in that area of your life.
Finally, remember that happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s about wanting what you have.
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