Failed relationships are one of the biggest causes of stress and
unhappiness in life. Working on successful relationships, whether they
are with our children, parents, friends or partners, is one of the most
important life skills we can learn. If we cannot maintain lasting
relationships, we will always struggle to be happy.
This article looks at seven common reasons why once harmonious
relationships break down. If we know why relationships are liable to
break down we can avoid the pain involved.
Jealousy
It is ironic that we can easily become jealous of our closest
friends. Jealousy often occurs when there is a feeling of separation and
competition. We need to learn to be happy at the success of others; it
only when we can feel a sense of oneness with others achievements that
jealousy will remain far away.
Also, we need to trust our partner - a suspicious mind is very
poisonous. It is better to be trusting rather always suspecting
infidelity or disloyalty. Others will be rightly discomforted if we
mistrust them. If our partner lets us down, it is not our fault. But, if
we suspect, because of our own insecurity, we are bound to create
serious problems in our own relationships.
Attachment
Attachment
There is a big difference between real love and emotional attachment.
When we have emotional attachment to someone, we need their attention
and presence. When we have excessive attachment to others, we can easily
become jealous and demanding. Often attachment occurs out of a sense of
insecurity; if this is the case we need to develop self belief and
inner confidence, we can’t just rely on other people to provide that.
Strong relationships need a certain detachment; we need to be able to
accept others for what they are, rather than expecting them to give us
all their attention.
Domination
Even the closest relationships need to value the individual freedom
of others. Problems will inevitably occur when we seek to dominate
others. Often this takes the form of expectation. We want our son to
become a certain person; we want our wife to live in a certain way.
Often people don’t realize how dominating they are. Parents justify
to themselves the idea that they ‘only want the best for their children’
But, actually what they are doing is trying to live through their
children. Nobody has the right to tell someone how they must live. If
relationships are based on this expectation and domination, there will
inevitably be conflict at some stage. The strongest relationships are
based on mutual understanding and remain free of expectation.
Selfishness
Selfishness is the root of all relationship problems. When we are
selfish we think of ourselves first and foremost. We ignore the needs of
others and become ego centric. Ego centric people are never easy to
live with; they tend to be a drain on relationships. When we are selfish
we want the praise, support and backing of others; but, we are not
willing to give anything in return.
True love is selfless, it is given without expectation of receiving
anything in return. If we love our self the most, we will always
struggle with relationships. Take time to listen to others rather than
dominating the conversation; be giving rather than being permanently
needy.
No Time
We have to spend time on what we value. If we always work late, it
shows where our priorities lie. If we spend no time with our partner
then they will begin to feel resentful / unloved. We can always make
time for things we really value; make sure your relationships don’t
suffer because you have given your life away to your boss. Also, make
sure you create time when your partner is the focus of attention; do
things that they enjoy doing, and don’t just drag them along to your
office parties.
Too Much Time
It does depends on the personality of the people involved; but some
people, especially introverts, need time to themselves. If we are always
with other people, the relationship can become claustrophobic. We need
time to ourselves; strong relationships should be able to deal with
periods of separation. This allows individual expression and individual
growth.
Picking Faults
Whoever we spend time with will undoubtedly have faults. Successful
relationships require a certain tolerance of others’ weaknesses. If we
keep picking up on the faults of over people, expecting them to change,
we create permanent tension. For example, your partner or friend may not
share your judgement that they are faults. This does not mean we have
to ignore when others do wrong things.
A strong relationship should be able to cope with constructive
criticism and suggestions. However, we need to make sure we don’t become
obsessed with noticing bad things. Rather than remembering all the bad
things your partner does, make yourself think of some of the good things
that they have been doing.
Unfortunately, humans often seem attracted
to noticing the faults of others, but, it doesn’t help relationships to
do this. If you become too critical it will cause long term problems.
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