In the hit film Inception Leonardo DiCaprio plays a
man who can enter peoples’ dreams to steal corporate secrets. At one
point (spoiler coming) he enters a businessman’s dream and is driving
down a city street in a parade of cars when a 300-ton freight train
juggernauts out of a side road and smashes into the lead car taking
vehicles, asphalt and everything else with it….
If you are a people pleaser, then not only are you in a dream-world where you think
others control you, but you are also in that lead car. And each time
you give in to someone and compromise your dreams you get hit…hard.
In this article I’m going to introduce several ‘truths’ about the
mindset that leads to people pleasing, the repercussions, and what you
can do about it to keep yourself ‘on track’ (and the trains decommissioned or left in the sidings).
Truth 1:
It’s your train
Train, of course, is a metaphor for negative, unhelpful attitudes,
beliefs and thinking patterns which ‘derail you’ from your chosen course
of action. But unlike British Rail, or the New York Metro, you actually own these ‘trains’. I know it seems
that they just career out of no-where and smash into your conscious but
all that’s about to change. It’s time to apply the emergency break!
Try stepping back (mentally) and asking yourself:
- Do I have to tolerate this thinking pattern any longer than necessary?
- How long before I step up and take control of what I already own?
- Am I’m willing to claim ownership now?
‘People pleasing’ often comes from believing that other people
have more authority than you; that when it comes down to the deciding
vote between you and them – they have the final say. This is a thinking
process often referred to as a meta-program – a set of instructions that
operate meta – above’ – what you are consciously aware of. You can
become aware of them, but most people don’t.
So unless you have taken ownership of your ‘train’ it will continue to ‘hit you’ without you knowing where or when to expect it.
Think of it this way. When you have a problem with someone else, when
you call them a bully or an enemy your problem is not just with them.
It is with your concept of them. You are classifying them and rejecting them according to your mental model of how they are behaving. Geddit?
Therefore, you have the power to reclassify people in your head.
Recently, I decided I would not use the concept ‘enemy’ any more as it
prevented me from looking at the situation objectively (I know all
perception is subjective, but it helps me to think this way!)
As I did this, I remembered something I’d been taught: “People are
not the problem, it’s the frames….” And remembering that all that stands
between us is a difference of opinion and as a difference opinion
doesn’t necessarily make someone ‘evil’ or someone to avoid, I feel a
lot freer in my head. And I don’t hear the sound of a train
approaching…!
Truth 2:
Runaway trains do damage all along the line
If you’ve ever seen a thriller with a runaway train then the
destruction is often caused not just at the end (when the train
inevitably goes off a cliff or bridge, or crashes through a station) but
also along the line, hitting cars, level crossings and various other
objects it comes into contact with.
It’s not just at the time you give in to others that the train hits
you. Each time you say “Ok Frank, I’ll do it your way” you take a
bashing to your self-confidence (btw – the ‘fidence’ in confidence comes
from fidelity and means faith/truth in – so confidence refers to your
‘faith in’ something) and increase your reliance on others.
This means, further down the life-line, you’ll have grown less and
less confident in your own ability to decide for yourself. This may lead
to a lowering of self-esteem and even a questioning of your personal
identity.
“Why aren’t I man enough to stand up to them?”
“I’m just a weak woman and I hate myself for it.”
Ask yourself:
“Am I prepared to put up with the long term consequences of doing what others want when it’s not what I want?”
Truth 3
There are other people on the train that hit you (and they don’t even know it)
And, sorry to say – you put them there. These are people you have given authority to boss you around, and then claim you can’t do anything about it.
Remember, it’s your train.
Leaving the train metaphor aside, a great way to find out where these
people are (in your head) is to use the Social Panorama model. This is
an NLP model that helps you understand how to move people around or
shrink them down so they don’t bother you so much. There’s a book called
the Social Panorama which teaches you about it, and there’s information
on the internet that’ll get you started.
Question: Who put you in charge of me?
Truth 4:
There is no Train
It’s true. It’s all in your head. Just as there is no spoon, there is no train.
The last truly great dream-world film was the Matrix (also good is
the 13th Floor, 1999) where humanity was locked into a
computer-generated illusion and didn’t know it. Those who broke free
could re-enter the Matrix with the power to bend and break the rules of
the system, and fight the Agents of the system that originally seemed
undefeatable.
In real life, those Matrix rules are the mental rules you live by.
These are the rules of society you have consciously or unconsciously
adopted. When you change the rules, you change the game, right? If you
take the ladders out of snakes and ladders, it’s a whole different
game…! If you tackle the key ideas that make up your train, you can make
it fall apart in a matter of minutes. A great coach can help you do
this, or you could start with a book like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
by Avy Joseph which is not really about therapy but absolutely superb
for busting beliefs.
Truth 5: HOW TO STOP YOUR TRAIN
Simple. You just stand in front of it and shout stop with every bit
of refusal and aggression you can manage. I know you fear you’ll get
pasted across the windscreen like a bug or crushed under the wheels but
that’s just the way your mind works. It’s not real, remember. Repeat
that as it approaches…it’s not real…it’s not real.
To dissipate the train, you just need to decide that it’s not a train
(problem) any more OR that you’re not going to let it run on your
mental tracks. You are the Fat Controller (only Thomas fans will get
that one.)
Rise up in your mind to a place where you feel you could make a good
decision from (or have made a good decision in the past). Then ask
yourself if you’d eat a plate of squirming maggots in rancid flesh.
Feeling the NO WAY? Then take that feeling and apply it to your
‘thought-train’. Again and again until that thought breaks up and feels
like it’s not an issue any more.
This is a real technique known as the meta-no technique and is a staple belief change of the field of Neurosemantics
To summarize…
Obviously I have used a metaphor to suggest that letting others run
your brain for you is unhealthy, and an illusion at best. It’s not easy
to challenge what feels so real in your own neurology but seriously, for
the sake of your dreams and sanity I urge you to give it a go. Here’s a
hint: don’t wait until you feel strong enough to do it because you
probably never will.
And if you need help scrapping your train, contact me.
To your highest and best,
Doug Cartwright
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