If you are like me, no one ever sat you down and instructed you on
how to choose a life partner. Yet, this is one of the most critical
decisions we will ever make in life – with potentially huge
repercussions for a less-than-ideal choice. A long-term relationship
can be one of the most joyous and fulfilling experiences life has to
offer. Although you may not have learned it from your mother, here is
what you need to know to choose the life partner who is right for you.
Consider qualities that are important to you
First, become familiar with the qualities that you desire in a
partner. It doesn’t matter what they are – what matters is that you are
consciously aware of what is important to you. Take some time to
reflect, write a list if it helps you, and keep at it until you are
clear about what you want. Two qualities you might seriously consider
are honesty and openness/flexibility. You need to be able to trust your
partner to be straight up with you – about money, preferences, things
they are doing, people they are spending time with. In addition, you
will want to choose someone who is open to examining themselves, willing
to take responsibility for their own behavior, and able to move with
the ebbs and flows of life.
Remember these qualities when you are dating
Now that you have developed a list, have the wisdom to use it. We
all know how easily we are sidetracked by sexual attraction, the blush
of a new romance, relationship melodrama. If what you want is a partner
for life, forget romance and be logical and realistic. As you are
getting to know your potential partner, take some time to sit by
yourself and determine if he or she possesses the qualities you desire.
If so, happily continue dating. If not, find the strength within
yourself to stay aligned with what you really want, say a kind goodbye,
and move on. Abandon hope that things will change in the future. Base
your decision on what you are certain of, which is what you know to be
true now.
Discuss the big issues
I find myself in disbelief when I hear of newly married couples
discovering monumental differences on some of the most essential life
choices. Spare yourself this challenge by initiating open discussions
about children (if, when, how many), child-rearing, money, work,
religion, where to live, and relationships with extended family. The
purpose of these discussions is to uncover any fundamental differences
between you so you can decide if you want to continue the relationship.
Do the research thoroughly, but also realize that priorities and
preferences have a way of changing over time. This is why openness and
flexibility are important. Learn all you can about your potential mate,
and have the courage to walk away if the fit is not right for you.
Find a good friend
Sharing your life with the right partner is a joy. The intensity of
the initial attraction will subside, so make sure that the friendship is
strong. Do you have common interests? Is your conversation enjoyable
and stimulating? Would you choose to spend a free day with this
person? If your answer is “yes” to these questions, you have in place
an important element that can make your relationship stand the test of
time.
Find a lover
You really want the sexual part of your relationship to work, as
stumbling in this area can cause great conflict and dissatisfaction.
Appetites will change – often once children arrive or hormones begin to
dwindle. Start off with sexual compatibility, and you are building a
strong foundation now and for the future.
Don’t think that love, or sexual attraction, is enough
How often have you heard, “But I love him?” A long-term relationship
involves so much more than love. A successful relationship requires
communication and problem-solving skills, the ability to manage your own
emotions, patience, selflessness. You end up dealing with
child-rearing, balance between work and home life, crises that
inevitably arise. Love and sexual attraction are beautiful expressions,
but they are not enough for choosing a life partner.
Determine if you can solve problems together
Notice how you disagree, and how you recover from disagreements. If
you or your partner defend your own positions, you will have difficulty
coming to a resolution. The need to be right limits good
communication. Look for, and be, someone who speaks respectfully and is
open to other points of view.
Decide if you can accept your potential partner’s idiosyncrasies
We all have them. Ways of being, things we do, that are our
personalities and quirks. Take the blinders off, and see with your eyes
wide open to determine if the person you are considering is someone you
can actually live with on a daily basis. Reflect on their energy
level, preference for time alone, desire for social interaction, ways of
handling stress, and level of cleanliness. Don’t be caught by the trap
of hoping they will change, and don’t fool yourself into believing that
something that bothers you now won’t continue to fester over time.
People do change, but there is no guarantee. Contemplate within
yourself to see if you can accept your potential mate as is.
Know your dealbreakers
Only you can know your bottom line. You deserve to be with someone
who is truly interested in making your relationship thrive. If you are
mistreated or disrespected in any way, think twice before moving
forward. Take very seriously problems such as addiction, large debt,
uncontrollable emotions, or severe mental illness. You can have
tremendous compassion for people with these issues, but the likelihood
of being in a satisfying relationship with them is negligible.
Be an amazing partner
While you are looking, use your time wisely. Reflect within yourself
to become aware of the difficulties you might contribute to a
relationship. Are you too clingy or afraid of getting close? Are you
overly passive or controlling? Do you need to get your own life on
track in some important way? Are you attracting, and choosing, people
who aren’t right for you? Do you have annoying habits? Are you a
grownup, able to make your relationship with a partner a priority over
your immediate family? Be happy in your own life, and you will
effortlessly bring happiness to others.
In choosing your partner, I’m inviting you to use your head as well
as your heart. When you do, you are opening yourself to the possibility
for the deepest intimacy and celebration of life. Allow your heart to
expand in every direction, and enjoy the journey!
What have you learned about choosing a life partner? I’d love to hear your reactions and experiences.
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