Being an introvert is a bad thing, right? Well, a lot of people seem
to think so, judging by the number of articles I’ve read about how to
“cure” introversion. In response to these articles, I wrote The Introverts Strike Back, in which I argued that (1) introverts can’t become extraverts, and (2) they shouldn’t particularly want to.
First, let’s get clear on what we’re talking about. I’m going by the
definitions used by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. According to the
MBTI, introverts get their energy from the internal world of ideas and
images, and they feel drained if they spend too much time with people.
On the other hand, extraverts (and yes, that IS the correct spelling as
used in the MBTI) get their energy from the external world of people and
things, and they go crazy if they spend too much time alone. It really
has nothing to do with social skills, as evidenced by introverts like
Jerry Seinfeld.
Whether you prefer the internal world or the external world, that
preference is fixed. You can force yourself to act outside of your
element, but an introvert can’t become an extravert and vice versa.
Let’s face it, if hosting The Tonight Show for 30 years didn’t turn Johnny Carson into an extravert, I doubt tips like “say hi to more people” will do the trick.
However, introversion certainly has its advantages. For example,
introverts make up a slight majority of the upper levels of government,
the military, and the corporate world, despite being only 30% of the
population. The social outcast doesn’t represent all introverts, any
more than the dumb jock represents all extraverts.
But I’m not here to debate whether it’s better to be an introvert or
an extravert. The fact is, we all have to interact with both types every
day. Regardless of which type you are, you can greatly improve your
relationships by learning to get along better with people of the other
type. Here are some tips for getting started.
For Introverts:
1. Indicate to others when you’re busy.
When an extravert sees you reading, writing, or maybe just thinking,
they might assume that the only reason you’d do this is because you
don’t have someone to talk to. So they think they’re doing you a favor
by striking up a conversation, when they’re actually interrupting.
To prevent this, be sure to give an indication that you’re in the
middle of something and aren’t looking for socialization right now. This
can be a visual sign (e.g., closing your door) or verbal (e.g., “I’m
sorry John, but I’m racing to get this done. Can I get back to you
later?”).
I know one person who tended to get a lot of visitors at work, and
while he was actually an extravert, the frequent visits were slowing him
down too much. He put a sign on his door saying “If I don’t make eye
contact or respond to you, I apologize. I’m not trying to be rude, I
just have a lot of work to do. Thank you for understanding.” While I
don’t think many people need to go that far, it certainly worked!
2. Try to verbalize your thoughts more.
Introverts tend to keep most of their thinking to themselves while
they’re working out ideas, and not speak much until they’re sure of what
they want to say. The problem with this is that other people can’t see
you thinking. If someone comes to you for your opinion on something, and
they don’t hear you talking, they might assume you don’t care.
To show that you are in fact considering what they said, try doing
some of your thinking out loud. It’s OK if you verbalize rough drafts of
thoughts that you end up changing. If all else fails, just say you need
time to think about it (e.g., “Lisa, this is very interesting, but I’m
not sure what to suggest just yet. Let me give it some more thought, and
I’ll get back to you.”).
3. Realize that extraverts often need to talk.
Because extraverts are more in touch with the external world, for
them talking is sometimes as necessary as breathing. They might think
out loud by bouncing their thoughts off other people, and they might
need to chat in order to boost their energy.
For an introvert, this can be the most difficult part of dealing with
an extravert. The same conversation that energizes the extravert also
drains the introvert. But keeping in mind that the extravert is not
being intentionally malicious, the introvert has at least two options
for handling this in a polite way. They can patiently participate in the
conversation, and then when it’s over they can be alone to recharge. Or
they can cut off the conversation early by mentioning something else
they need to be doing, or even by saying “I’d like to help, but I’m not
sure that I’m the right person for you to be talking to.”
Of course, sometimes a conversation can be very enjoyable for an introvert, in which case this isn’t a problem.
4. Don’t forget to socialize.
As great as your internal world is, don’t forget that the external
world is also good in moderation. Be sure to set aside some time to
spend with other people, and take advantage of social opportunities that
present themselves to you. And when you’re around other people, make
yourself fun to be with!
For Extraverts:
1. Ask if someone is busy before spending time with them.
If someone appears to be lonely, they might not be. Even if they’re
just sitting there and don’t seem to be doing anything, they could be
deep in thought and not at a point where they want to be interrupted.
If you need something, try to ask for it up front (e.g., “Mary, do
you have a few minutes to talk about a problem I’m having?”). Otherwise,
look for clues that they might not feel like talking right now, such as
lack of eye contact.
If they seem uninterested, don’t take it personally. You just don’t know what you’re interrupting.
2. If someone doesn’t speak up, ask them what they think.
Sometimes when you’re talking to someone, they’ll be so engrossed in
thinking about what you said that they forget to tell you what they’re
thinking. If you’re waiting for someone’s feedback and they’re not
giving it to you, try asking them what they think.
3. Realize the draining effect a conversation can have on someone.
No matter how fabulous a person you are, keep in mind that introverts
simply prefer their internal world to the external world. They might
start off with a fully charged battery, but while they’re engaged in
conversation, that battery is steadily draining. How long it lasts
depends on various factors, but be sure to keep an eye out for when
they’re starting to lose interest. Be more to the point with introverts,
and save most of your chatting for extraverts who will appreciate it
more.
4. Remember that introverts need their alone time.
Perhaps the hardest thing for extraverts to understand about
introverts is that someone could actually want to be alone. Not because
they don’t like to have fun, or because they hate people, but just
because they prefer their internal world, and they need to return to it
to be energized. If someone doesn’t want to hang out with you, don’t try
to push them, because they just need their “me” time. Of course,
there’s always the possibility that they just don’t like you!
The world has lots of introverts and lots of extraverts. Instead of
debating which is better or asking how we can change people, let’s try
to be more accepting of others. With a little effort, we can all get
along just fine.
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