Despairingly, he looked at her, shook his head, and asked, “Whatever
happened to us? We don’t laugh any more; we used to always be laughing!”
With contemptuous expression and voice, she retorted, “Yes, but not at the same time.”
This one line from a classic moment of the British sitcom Fawlty Towers illuminated Basil and Sybil Fawlty’s entire relationship.
Is a happy, long-lasting marriage really still possible? Well, I
suppose we’ll find out in fifty years. Of course, if you’re being abused
and bullied, your spouse has defaulted on ‘the deal’ (remember ‘to love
and to cherish’?); no one should stay in an abusive marriage. But our
‘throw away society’ sometimes causes perfectly good relationships to be
too quickly discarded because they don’t seem ideal.
How ironic that the recent obsession with ‘personal fulfilment’ – the
importance of oneself at the expense of others – has resulted in more
people feeling unfulfilled, sad, and lonely. Marriages crash and burn,
spouses are upgraded to newer, ‘better’ ones. Have commitment, duty, and
responsibility been abandoned at the expense of happiness?
Happy marriages for greater health
To some, marriage may seem old-fashioned, but research repeatedly
shows that people who stay married to one partner are the happiest (1)
and that married people are statistically happier and longer-lived (2)
than their unmarried counterparts.
Fortunately, we now know why some marriages work and some don’t, what
happy marriages should avoid, and what actions need to be encouraged
for healthier and happier marriages.
Certainly no marriage is perfect, but many are happy. There are
difficulties in happy marriages, but there is also an enduring sense of
‘us’, not just ‘you and me’. If both of you heed these strategies, who
knows – maybe in fifty years you’ll be telling me about all the health,
psychological benefits, and happiness you enjoyed.
Secret 1) Keep your relationship expectations realistic
As wonderful as it is to be romantic and see the best in your
partner, you need to be able to except some imperfections over the
(hopefully many) years with your spouse. In the initial throes of
passion, the object of our romantic focus may seem perfection
personified, but then we discover their ‘feet of clay’. For the marriage
to last after this point, we need to see beyond personal failings and
foibles – after all, no one is perfect. Now and again, all marriages
need work; expecting it all to be perfect and effortless creates
disappointment (as unrealistic expectations always do).
Idealize your partner, by all means – whilst remembering they are human.
Secret 2) Send these relationship-ruining riders on their way
Some happily married couples argue passionately. Other relationships
experience fewer arguments, but suffer severe damage when they do
happen. What’s different?
It’s how – not whether – you argue that determines
your marriage’s likelihood for long-term survival. After spending almost
two decades studying couples’ interactions, American psychologist John
Gottman can now tell with up to 95% accuracy which couples are heading
towards relationship breakdown and which are likely to stay together,
simply by listening to the first five minutes of a contentious discussion.
Gottman highlights four relationship-rotting factors that he rather
dramatically calls the ‘Four Riders of the Apocalypse’. They are:
1. Contempt: Displayed by face pulling, cursing at
and insulting your partner, and basically acting as if you are revolted.
Gottman and his researchers in Seattle (3) found that the
relationship’s days were very likely to be numbered if contempt was a
regular feature of the initial phase of a disagreement. Women who showed
contempt whilst their husband talked were six times more likely to be
divorced two years later.
2. Defensiveness: “Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t pick on me! What’s your problem?!”
“…I only offered you a cup of tea!”
Being overly defensive is another major predictor of future
relationship breakdown. If one partner begins yelling as soon as the
other broaches a subject and behaves as though they’re being threatened
or attacked, and this is a continuing and repeated feature of the
couple’s interactions, then the relationship is in crisis. Being
defensive prevents communication and severs intimacy.
3. Don’t criticize, do compliment: Critical partners risk irreparable damage to their relationship. This doesn’t mean you should never complain if your spouse upsets you, but a simple complaint is much less damaging that criticism.
Criticism attacks the whole person, their core identity
(even if that wasn’t your intent); a complaint is instead directed at
one-off behaviours. For example: “You are such a lazy £”*tard!” implies
they are always like that and it’s a fundamental part of their
identity. Whereas “I thought you were being a bit lazy today! That’s not
like you!” is time-limited and more specific.
Some people believe they are trying to ‘improve’ their spouse by
constantly pointing out their faults. Even if the intention is good, the
consequences are not. Public criticism is humiliating (for both
partners), but saying nice things when in company is a wonderful thing
to do.
People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected.
Spend more time reminding your spouse of their talents, strengths, and
what you love and like about them. No one likes to feel they are under
constant attack.
4. Withdrawal or ‘stonewalling’: Emotionally
withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when
your partner complains is another huge breakdown predictor. Men are more
likely to stonewall, whilst their wives were generally more critical.
Male biology is less able to cope with strong emotion, so men may
instinctively use stonewalling in an attempt to avoid entering arguments
or becoming highly aroused.
The partner may ‘switch off’ to withdraw during conversations or
ultimately ‘escape’ by spending more and more time away from the
relationship. The danger lies in the stonewalling pattern becoming
permanent and that partner using this strategy to isolate themselves
from potentially positive parts of the relationship.
Everyone needs space, but never responding to emotional issues leaves the other partner out in the cold.
Surprisingly, even if only one of these ‘riders’ is a
regular participant in disputes, the relationship’s outlook is poor.
Does your marriage contain any of these ‘riders’?
And how else can you make your marriage happier?
Secret 3) Know what not to talk about and when to stop talking
Younger couples often want to ‘dig deep’ to unearth all their
‘issues’, to be entirely open with one another, and to ‘talk everything
through’.
However, studies of elderly couples happily married for decades show
that they often don’t listen very closely to what the other says when
conveying negative emotion. And they tend to ignore their own feelings
about the relationship unless they decide that something absolutely must be done. This threshold is set much higher than in younger couples.
So the typical advice columnists’ plea to ‘air issues’ and get
‘everything out in the open’ doesn’t actually contribute to healthy
long-term relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing what subjects
to avoid is a key relationship skill.
Another key feature of arguments within long-surviving relationships
is the habit of changing the subject once the discussion has ‘run its
course’. The ‘quick shift’ decreases the experienced amount of negative
emotion and reduces the chance for later rumination. It also conveys,
“We can argue and still get on with each other.” Thus, the argument is
contained, stopping it from contaminating the entire relationship.
Disagreements need to be ‘one-off specials’, not long-running serials. And don’t forget that fun is also vital…
Secret 4) Maintain a 5:1 good to bad ratio
According to Dr Gottman, stable marriages experience five good
interactions for every not-so-good one. A ‘good’ interaction might be a
loving hug, spending a fun afternoon together, or a pleasant chat about a
movie; anything positive. ‘Bad’ interactions include rows,
disagreements, or disappointment.
So make efforts to honor the 5:1 rule. Following the next tip will help this work even more.
Secret 5) Learn to read (love) maps
Remember the old Mr. and Mrs. TV show? (I think it may have
been updated.) The basic idea was this: One partner went behind a
soundproof screen whilst the host asked the other partner questions
about their partner’s life and preferences. For example: “Where in the
world would your wife most like to travel?” or “What drink would your
husband most likely order in a restaurant?” The idea was that the more
the answers correlated, the stronger the relationship. And research
seems to support this.
Having a good ‘love map’ means knowing your partner’s tastes,
aspirations, which of their co-workers they like or dislike, and so on.
Stronger bonds are created by knowing the details of your partner’s
inner and outer life (whilst allowing for some privacy). One
woman I worked with didn’t know the name of her (underappreciated)
husband’s company and one husband couldn’t tell me the name of their
family dog! (Much to his wife’s consternation: “He shows no interest!”)
For better relationship navigation, strengthen and update your love maps.
Fostering a happy marriage is a wonderful way to ensure long-lasting
contentment for you both. Ask your partner to read this, as well, so
both of you can follow these tips.
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